The Mutare Times

I have for a long time heard stories about the right man coming along, yet there always seemed something odd about that particular Mr Right. He is usually married. It is therefore no surprise that some single women settle for married men as their partner. It is also no surprise that many young women would rather settle for him, than the single guy out there, running wild and wrecking havoc in the lives of at least six other single girls. The truth of the matter? Many times women settle for what their heart wants despite what society says. I know when it comes to Christian principles, we should respect the sanctity of marriage. A woman leaves her family to go and settle with that one man, who has become her husband, “till death do them part” while he takes her into his home.( I really don’t get the whole bit about the man leaving home, he is usually a bachelor living by himself then). This is the generally acceptable way that things happen and it seems that the dream of every girl is to one day get married and live happily ever after. Well, now there is usually happily ever until Susan comes along.

So, Susan was brought up in a great Christian Background, her family went to one of these orthodox churches, and as she became an adult, she started visiting one of the Pentecostal churches, eventually making it her very own church. It goes without saying that she prayed very hard for the right man to come along, that she would not be deceived by all these young and foolish men of the world who could easily lead her astray. She was by this time, working as an investment banker and yes, she dressed well and did pretty much everything by herself. One of these days, coming from the gym, she met a good-looking man, a few years older that her. He seemed organised, had a vision for his life, and well, after a few months of associating with him, Susan was convinced he was the right candidate for a steady partner. He made her laugh, he was very considerate, he challenged her to do more with herself and frankly speaking, he was able to take care of her financial needs. One day he decides to have “the talk” with Susan. “You and i have been seeing each other for close to three months now, and i really like you, i like your style and i like that you are a great woman, with values and standards that most don’t. I wanted to know where you want us to take this thing? ” Of course by now Susan’s head is spinning, and wedding bells are already flashing and ringing in her head. She is thinking Oh My God, he is finally asking me out. She calmly says “what did you have in mind? ”. The rest is history. What Susan then goes on to find out on this very day is that Mr X right here is married, has a wife and a kid. They have been married for at least a year.

So what if the right one is married? Here comes the moral dilemma and the confusion in our society as a whole. My mother used to tell me that her mother always told her to not get into a polygamous relationship as a second or third or other wife. She never got into one of those, instead she married my father and was his first wife. She however never got married after she split up with my father when i was about seven and i am very certain that she expects me to get married to one man, as his first and only wife. Here are three generations of women and already the ones behind me set a standard. Yet we never really seem to get that right. How many parents out there will support their daughters if she comes home and says “I’m in love with baba Tadiwa?” What exactly is our point of reference as Zimbabweans? Is this acceptable for mothers? And will we take it because she is your daughter and you will do nothing to take away her happiness? I have known other families that are very judgemental about the lives of other people’s children. I am sure they will have a field day with that. For those mothers who are maybe second wives, or who fathered their children with married men? What advice would you give to her?

So do we accept the other woman, when a man decides to marry her and make her part of the family? But shun her when he is still courting her and convincing her to be with him? We preach the sanctity of marriage and yet almost always it is considered within reason for a man to have a wife and a girlfriend on the side? Does Susan date Mr X because she really likes him and she wants to have a relationship with him? Will society shun her for her actions or salute her for openly saying she wants to be with Mr X?

I strongly feel that as a people, we have gotten things extremely mixed up. We pick and choose rules and morals that we apply, from the various traditions that have infiltrated our very own beyond recognition, and combine those to become some sort of moral code, defined as Zimbabwean. Relationships are a very good example. Before Christianity was ever a part of this country, in some regions, men could have as many wives as one could keep. It was a sign of wealth. Christianity came and we started preaching the sanctity of marriage, one Adam for every eve and not Adam and Eve and Maria. It goes without saying then that most men will talk about our culture allowing us to marry many women or to at least have another woman on the side, because it suits him well. Is this not selective application of a culture that we barely know and understand? Why then will most men be scared of being caught by their wife, If he is seeing other women? At the same time, why do some women act like they do not now that their husbands does not come home every Friday night not because he is drinking with the guys, but he is probably spending time with the other woman in his life? Do we really turn a blind eye to the drama that goes on around people’s marriages? And only jeer when someone gets caught? Or when a married woman decides to burn the house down because she is frustrated beyond reason with her man’s shenanigans?

Gertrude Bvindi

I am an administrator by profession. I have a first Degree in Political Science, and I started the first year of my Masters in International Relations but i am yet to finish it. I am a sports woman, and have participated in Rugby and Basketball at National level. I did my primary school in Mutare, Chancellor Junior and high School in Domboshava, at a Catholic mission. I am passionate about women issues.

I would like to know your views and please do not hesitate to comment below your thoughts, suggestions and views.

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