What if the right one is married?
I have for a long time heard stories about
the right man coming along, yet there always seemed something odd about that
particular Mr Right. He is usually married. It is therefore no surprise that
some single women settle for married men as their partner. It is also no
surprise that many young women would rather settle for him, than the single guy
out there, running wild and wrecking havoc in the lives of at least six other
single girls. The truth of the matter? Many times women settle for what their
heart wants despite what society says. I know when it comes to Christian
principles, we should respect the sanctity of marriage. A woman leaves her
family to go and settle with that one man, who has become her husband, “till death
do them part” while he takes her into his home.( I really don’t get the whole
bit about the man leaving home, he is usually a bachelor living by himself
then). This is the generally acceptable
way that things happen and it seems that the dream of every girl is to one day
get married and live happily ever after. Well, now there is usually happily
ever until Susan comes along.
So, Susan was brought up in a great
Christian Background, her family went to one of these orthodox churches, and as
she became an adult, she started visiting one of the Pentecostal churches, eventually
making it her very own church. It goes without saying that she prayed very hard
for the right man to come along, that she would not be deceived by all these
young and foolish men of the world who could easily lead her astray. She was by
this time, working as an investment banker and yes, she dressed well and did
pretty much everything by herself. One of these days, coming from the gym, she
met a good-looking man, a few years older that her. He seemed organised, had a
vision for his life, and well, after a few months of associating with him,
Susan was convinced he was the right candidate for a steady partner. He made
her laugh, he was very considerate, he challenged her to do more with herself
and frankly speaking, he was able to take care of her financial needs. One day
he decides to have “the talk” with Susan. “You and i have been seeing each
other for close to three months now, and i really like you, i like your style
and i like that you are a great woman, with values and standards that most
don’t. I wanted to know where you want us to take this thing? ” Of course by
now Susan’s head is spinning, and wedding bells are already flashing and
ringing in her head. She is thinking Oh My God, he is finally asking me out.
She calmly says “what did you have in mind? ”. The rest is history. What Susan
then goes on to find out on this very day is that Mr X right here is married,
has a wife and a kid. They have been married for at least a year.
So what if the right one is married? Here
comes the moral dilemma and the confusion in our society as a whole. My mother
used to tell me that her mother always told her to not get into a polygamous
relationship as a second or third or other wife. She never got into one of
those, instead she married my father and was his first wife. She however never
got married after she split up with my father when i was about seven and i am very certain that she expects me to get
married to one man, as his first and only wife. Here are three generations of
women and already the ones behind me set a standard. Yet we never really seem
to get that right. How many parents out there will support their daughters if
she comes home and says “I’m in love
with baba Tadiwa?” What exactly is our point of reference as Zimbabweans? Is this acceptable for mothers? And will we take it because she is your
daughter and you will do nothing to take away her happiness? I have known other
families that are very judgemental about the lives of other people’s children.
I am sure they will have a field day with that. For those mothers who are maybe
second wives, or who fathered their children with married men? What advice
would you give to her?
So do we accept the other woman, when a man
decides to marry her and make her part of the family? But shun her when he is still courting her
and convincing her to be with him? We preach the sanctity of marriage and yet
almost always it is considered within reason for a man to have a wife and a
girlfriend on the side? Does Susan date Mr X because she really likes him and
she wants to have a relationship with him? Will society shun her for her actions or
salute her for openly saying she wants to be with Mr X?
I strongly feel that as a people, we have
gotten things extremely mixed up. We pick and choose rules and morals that we
apply, from the various traditions that
have infiltrated our very own beyond recognition, and combine those to become
some sort of moral code, defined as Zimbabwean. Relationships are a very good
example. Before Christianity was ever a part of this country, in some regions,
men could have as many wives as one could keep. It was a sign of wealth.
Christianity came and we started preaching the sanctity of marriage, one Adam
for every eve and not Adam and Eve and Maria. It goes without saying then that
most men will talk about our culture allowing us to marry many women or to at
least have another woman on the side, because it suits him well. Is this not
selective application of a culture that we barely know and understand? Why then
will most men be scared of being caught by their wife, If he is seeing other
women? At the same time, why do some women act like they do not now that their
husbands does not come home every Friday night not because he is drinking with
the guys, but he is probably spending time with the other woman in his life? Do
we really turn a blind eye to the drama that goes on around people’s marriages?
And only jeer when someone gets caught? Or when a married woman decides to burn
the house down because she is frustrated beyond reason with her man’s
So what will it be people? What do we do when
Mr Right is married?
I am an administrator by profession. I have a first Degree in Political Science, and I started the first year of my Masters in International Relations but i am yet to finish it. I am a sports woman, and have participated in Rugby and Basketball at National level. I did my primary school in Mutare, Chancellor Junior and high School in Domboshava, at a Catholic mission. I am passionate about women issues.
I would like to know your views and please do not hesitate to comment below your thoughts, suggestions and views.
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